Our Great Reward (not my thoughts)

What happens when teachers die?A teacher dies and goes to Heaven. When she gets there, she meets Saint Peter at the pearly white gates.
Saint Peter says to her, "Welcome to Heaven. Let me give you anorientation first."
So, Saint Peter takes her to some beautifulmansions.The teacher asks, "Who lives here in these beautiful houses?"
These are for doctors. They did a lot of good on Earth so they get anice mansion," replied Saint Peter.Saint Peter takes the teacher to some more mansions. These were moremagnificent than the first.
"Wow, who lives here?""These mansions are for social workers. They did a lot of good onEarth but didn't make a lot of money so they get a better house."
Saint Peter took the teacher to some more mansions. These were themost gorgeous homes she had ever seen. They had huge columns,well-manicured lawns, beautiful stained glass windows; the works!
"These are the most beautiful homes I have ever seen," exclaimed theteacher, "who lives here?!"
"Teachers live here." said Saint Peter, "They did much good on Earthand received very little money so they get the best houses in all ofHeaven."
"But where are all of the teachers?" inquired the teacher.
Saint Peter answered, "Oh, they'll be back soon. They're all in Hellat an in-service."

A little humor

Not mine but still pretty funny...only because it's true.

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . .. having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . not piddling in your pants.

Money Matters

When trying to help a student with a math problem (20 X 5)..."If I give you 5 20's, how much money will you have?"

From the back of the room...."Duh! 89 dollars!"

The Bucket List

Today I asked my students what would be five items they would include on their "bucket list." After having to explain exactly what that meant here are a couple of the lists:

J.'s list:
Go to japan and help people
Donate to the homeless shelters
Create as many video games as I can
Do not have kids
Get married

A.'s list:
Get a hummer
Get married
See Paris, France
Save money for my funeral
Have kids

M.'s list:
Marry someone I like
Go to England
Move away from my parents
Eat a ton of junk food for a couple of years

B.'s list:
Buy a PSP
Buy a monkey
Visit Ireland
Visit Japan
Train my monkey

Black Friday?

Asking my kids why the day after Thanksgiving was called Black Friday and here are a couple of the responses:

D., a ninth grader, "It's a holiday for Goths? I should know because I am one and I had a pretty good day that day."

G., a ninth grader, "A holiday for black people?"

B., an eighth grader, "Because thousands of people pack the stores and they get bruises from shoving?"

Duh, Mr. B

The other day I ask my students if they would rather have no thumbs or only one hand. All of my students answer that they would rather have no thumbs. They did admit that it would be difficult but that they could still play video games and do some things. When G., a ninth grade boy, got his turn he said, "I'd rather only have one hand." Kinda surprised I asked him, "Why?" He looks at me as if he could not believe that I had to ask...he says, "Duh, Mr. B. You couldn't count to five if you only had four fingers!"

After I caught my breath from laughing I thanked him for his answer.

:-)

Back to PE

Little J., an eigth grader, was finally able to go back to PE after being out with a doctor's note. I said, "Wow, J., you're back with us! Aren't you excited?" In his nervous shaky voice he replied, "Well, if there's something I can't do...well, ummm...then I can't do it."

Phone list

I got this email and though it's technically not teacher related I figured I would put it out there. I do work with students who are diagnosed with a mental illness so these do actually hit home a lot.

Phone list for a mental help hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell You which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, hang up. It doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. But Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss , press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

Little Johnny

This was a forward in an email:

You know, the kid that the teachers are afraid to call on for answers in the class, for fear of what he might say... Well, finally a photo of 'Little Johnny' has surfaced. See if you can find him in the picture on the left! The theme of this picture was, 'Make a funny face'!

Time flies

Today we are in the hallway and one of my students says, "wow, I'm glad tomorrow is Friday."

D., my ninth grader, gets excited and starts pumping his fists in the air. "Tomorrows, Friday? Oh, man, I thought today was only Thursday!"

Ummm....

Lessons Learned

I had a student to come back and visit me the other day. I., is a senior now and had spent two years in his native country of Tonga since leaving me. He told me that he went there with a gangsta attitude and quickly lost it by being beaten almost to death by his family members. He also had to walk over a mile to get a snack (had to climb and cut his own coconuts).

He said that the greatest lesson learned in Tonga was that "If you ain't dead, you're alright."

Impressive email

One of my students emailed all of her teachers to talk about the importance of an education. Perhaps she does not feel totally that way about English. Here is her email:

im sending this to all my teachers i havent been at school almost every monday and im sorry but today im really sick honestly and ive notice i have 2 Fs wich im freaking out about now and i wanna know by next time i come to class if u can give me all the assignments ive missed because honestly i know i need to start going to school everyday and i need to have a good eddication so if u could please id really appreciate that thanks!?

Turning white

Today during art, D., a ninth grade boy, was rubbing the chalk he was using. He looked at his fingers and screams, "I'm turning white." He pauses and looks up...."Ummm, wait; I already am white!"

A letter

Yesterday I got a letter from K., a tenth grader who has moved on to the high school. I had sent him a card at the beginning of the year. So here we are over 2 months later and I get a letter thanking me.

The funny part is that he sent the teacher across the way, John, a letter saying...."In case you don't ask him, I sent Mr. B. a letter so you don't have to bother. Sincerely, K."

30?

Talking about elements in science and to illustrate the number of compounds that could be made I brought up the number of words we have. I told the class, there are 26 letters in the English language. How many words, ballpark, do you think are in the English language.

D., a ninth grade young man, thinks and finally says, "There's about 30."

Dumbfounded I say, "D., how many words do you know in the English language?"

D. looks at me and says, "All of them!"

Trick or Treat?

The other night in my college class, it is a break and we are talking about costumes. One of the girls asks if I am going to wear a costume to my daytime teaching job. I tell her no that I don't need to give the junior high kids any more ammo. She says that I could go as an M&M that that costume seems to be the universal teacher costume. I then tell her about the funniest costume that I've seen-two guys come to a party with the M&M costumes but they have taken off one of the M's and replaced it with an S so they are now are S&Ms. Everyone laughs...all except one girl who has been listening. She asks, "I don't get it. They came as Skittles and M&Ms?"

Hungry?

Sometimes, instead of just giving the students a page number I will give them a math problem to come up with the page themselves. Today in science I told the kids that I was going to give them a math problem.

G., a ninth grader, pipes up and says, "Give us Raman Noodles."

Stunned I just looked and said, "what?"

Again he says, "Give us Raman Noodles."

Confused I say, "G., I don't know what you mean-what do you mean 'Raman Noodles?"

He says, "You know, where you have letter instead of numbers."

The light goes on..."You mean Roman Numerals?"

G. says, "yeah, that's it."

It wasn't even close to lunch yet :-)

The reasons for hiccups

D., a ninth grader, was hiccupping Friday. After several minutes of nonstop hiccupping I asked him jokingly why he was hiccupping so much. He said that he didn't know but that he had heard that hiccupping happened when demons were trying to come into your body. My response? I told him to keep on hiccupping that I didn't want any demons in my classroom.

Thoughts from the week

I've been a little neglectful of my new hobby so here are some thoughts from this past week.

We made pin-hole constellations out of black construction paper. We put them on the overhead projector so we could see their constellations projected on the wall. J., an eighth grader, went last. His constellation (probably the best of the lot) was of the Mickey Mouse head. A couple of other kids snickered and J. got furious thinking they were laughing at him. We said, "J. that was very creative-good job." His response? With fists pumping in the air, "Just because it was creative doesn't mean it was!" Hmmm....

Another student upon hearing some kidding that he rode the short bus to school noted, "It's not a short bus, it's just missing some seats."

No school the past two days

No school the past two days so here's a blast from the past...

Little K., a ninth grader last year, got mad one day and wanted to go home. Becoming noncompliant we (my fellow teacher and I) placed him in our time out booth and proceeded to get the school's police officer…K. banged on the door and said we were racist…cop laughs..says..”um..K..you’re white.” (both teachers are as well)

All you gotta do is ask

Each day I give the students a starter. Today's starter was "Would you rather be deaf or blind?" Going around all the students said that they would rather be deaf. The reasons were different for each one but mostly because the students would still want to be able to see to read or watch TV or play video games. When it came J's turn, the eighth grade boy said "I'd rather be blind." Startled I asked why. He said, "So I can be a blind swordsman!"

I coulda guessed that...(not).

Aiming high

Somehow the conversation today turned towards retail stores. D., a ninth grader, made the comment that if he could earn a degree good enough to allow him to work in a store he was going to aim for Walmart.

Who says you can't dream big?

I've heard of a potty mouth but never...

I said something and one of my students burst out laughing...he apologized and said that he had a sewer mind. Explaining, he noted that he watched too much South Park and made everything dirty.

New Muscle Groups

Today, upon seeing another student struggle with carrying something, C. calls out, "You need to build up your forearm muscles....you're forearms are muscles, ya know."

Now that's one big muscle.

Random comment

This happened last week...the students were working on an independent assignment. I look over and D. is rubbing is head and looks frustrated. I ask if he is okay and he responds, "Uggh, I can't think because I'm right handed."

Jeez, I guess being right handed is more trouble than I thought.

Found treasures

I was digging through my notes and found some interesting quotes from students.

Seeing me approach, a student says about another, "If he says I called him an idiot-he’s lying." That is exactly what I was going to talk to him about.


Discussing The Civil War in US History I began by asking if the students knew what it was. One astute young man answered, "The civil war was when the whites and blacks fought for freedom…no wait, that was the Mexican-American War."


A random comment from D., "I can’t put lipstick on my forehead-my girlfriend may think I’m too sensitive" then a long pause before adding, "or too stupid." Hmm....I think I know which one...



D. on trying to explain why he was so tired after a three day weekend, "I had a car rollover but don’t tell my dad-he doesn’t know about it. Someone paid my bill but I don’t know who."

J. on why he will not but will fight another young man over a girl, "If he wants to fight, I’ll go toes. If he wants to fight him I’ll fight but I’m not going to make him."

Would you like paragraphs with that?

I also teach at a local college. The students had their first assignment coming up and I told them that I preferred their papers to be in APA style. After class the other night a student comes up and tells me that she has never written in "ADA style" and then asks if she is required to have paragraphs with her paper. Holding back my laughter I told her that I would appreciate them very much.

The Evacuation

Yesterday we had an evacuation drill. Little W. was walking beside me to the college across the street that we use as our relocation site in such drills. When we sat down in the ampitheater there were junior high girls in the front of us dancing and screaming. There were junior high girls and boys behind us dancing and screaming. Little W looks at me and asks, "Have you ever felt like you were in attendance at a butthead convention?" I reply that I have not and he just shakes his head, "I feel like I'm at one now."

Walking back from the evacuation the PE teacher is yelling (half joking, but also to make a point) for the kids to stay on the sidewalk. Little W. says to me regarding the PE teacher, "Dude, she's crazy, huh?" I say that she is and he shakes his head and says "I guess we all have our issues, eh?"

A New Beginning

Nothing satisfies the soul quite like laughter. In this stressful world and these stressful times, humor is an ally to our spirit as well as reason to face the mundane world of work. As a teacher I find my job stressful and sometimes I am perplexed that I have survived for just over seven years teaching special education at the junior/middle school. I have found that my source of anxiety to be mostly the adults that I encounter and my source of humor-or reason to return-to be from my students.

I also teach at the postsecondary level part time and my heart is both saddened and contented by the idea that students do not really change-they just get older.

So I thought I would post some of yesterdays and yesteryears comments from students here and maintain this blog as an outlet of journaling and hopefully as a source of a smile or two from whomever reads.